Fitness
and Wellness
Maintaining
a healthy and loving relationship
Most
of us want to fall in love, be in love and stay in love
and magically live happily ever after… as the story
goes. We merge placing our soul in the hands of the other
expecting that the relationship will provide all our happiness.
We even expect our partner to know exactly what, when and
how to provide this.
But
fulfilling relationships do not happen automatically and
they don't happen when the relationship is driven by a
need rather than caring. If the relationship is going
to grow we must give it our time and attention. We must
each give to the other and not just be focused on what
it is that we need.
But
often the relationship gets puts aside as the daily task
of life take over. We barely have time for ourselves with
our life schedule, work schedule or kid's schedules, let
alone making time to focus on and give to our partner.
We become distracted and tension builds up each person
feeling that his/her needs for intimacy are not getting
met. Each partner is waiting for the other to do something
about it.
When
a long time has gone by without intimacy, neither one
wants to make the first move toward the other. (I call
this the big stand off) Reaching out by either person
does not takeplace. I see this so often in my psychotherapy
office with couples who have not taken responsibility
and brought to the relationship what was needed.
What
happens then is that there is a great deal to clean up
that has been swept under the rug. I have to work at pealing
away minor and major conflicts, disagreements, hurts,
before I can get to the core problem which is that each
person's core need to be loved and cared for is not getting
met.
We
all recognize that we need to tune up our cars, but we
do not think of tuning up our relationships. We
take more time with our homes, painting, fixing, redecorating,
reconstructing etc. but we do not take the time with our
relationships.Tensions
then build up.
As
with anything we aspire to, the more we put in the more
we will get back. Look, for example, at a plant's life.
Plants need care in order to survive and grow. They need
water, fertilizer, light and air. If we do not give them
these essential elements they will wither and die. Relationships
are no different, they need certain essential elements
in order for them to grow and proper or they too may die
on the vine.
Couples
need romantic time and fun together, they need a sense of
security and commitment, and they need meaningful communication.
This will keep the spirit in the relationship and allow
each to open to the other to the point where intimacy can
occur.
Here
are some ways to achieve these essential elements so you
can maintain a healthy and loving relationship. Integrate
them into your daily life as best you can, but start today.
1.Developing
romantic and fun time together. Set up your schedule
to include time together. Be realistic with the amount
of time your set aside. It is very important to be consistent.
If
you only have one hour a week, than do not plan a full
day. Consistency built trust and connection lays the
foundation of a healthy relationship. Both of you need
to participate in deciding how and when to spend time
together.
2.
Developing a sense of security and commitment. Security
is assurance we feel when we know someone is committed
to love and values us. It's a sense that whatever conflicts
or problems we have we will be fully committed to finding
the solution and working together in partnership.
We
show our affection in little ways throughout the day
with a phone call from the office or a hug when our
partner returns home, or leaving a loving note on his/her
car. Giving complements and expressing gratitude when
your partner does something for you as simple as taking
the dishes out of the dishwasher goes a long way.
3.
Establishing meaningful communication. We do this by
being open and honest with who we are and what we feel.
We make request instead of demands, we watch our tone,
and listen carefully to our partner. We share our hopes
and dreams. We do this hopefully from a place of peace
rather than a place of fear or blame.
We
express our ideas and goals for the relationship and
our individual goals. We help to empower each other
to fulfill our full potential and we work together to
fulfill the potential of the relationship. Empowering
means that we give encouragement support and believe
in the other, maybe before they believe in themselves.
Changing
your relationship will take discipline, intention and courage.
Be patient with yourself, praise yourself for all your efforts
and listen to your soul sing. As we love others we are connecting
with our true essence and being who we really are. If relationships
are based on getting our needs met instead of by caring
they are not likely to bring happiness.
